Rebirth: Extreme Self-Care 101
August 08, 2021
An alchemist is defined as “a person who transforms or creates something through a seemingly magical process.” As a nurse midwife going through a transformative journey, I feel a surge of joy at that definition. You see, the past decade has been pretty tough, and the past year was the coup de grâce, the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camel’s back—you get where I’m going with this. And frankly, I could use a little dose of magic. I’ve been reading the amazing book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, who explores so much around creativity and writing beyond fear. That we are entitled to be free to create and free to explore, and dammit we are allowed to have a voice and a vision all on our own. I’ll spare you the sordid details of my own “tower moment” or “ego death,” which Asian monks describe as a transformational period of going into a cave and becoming nothingness so as to return a whole new being. That’s pretty much where I’m at, folks. We can think of a caterpillar who goes deep within the cocoon to metamorphose and comes out a brand-new being, and with wings to fly. Going through a transformation allows you to lose the hard parts that were weighing you down, a true letting go. Closing the chapter, taking the lessons, leaving the legacy behind. No sugarcoating, no apologies, no regrets. A nice fresh start. An alchemy of sorts. That is, if we are open to the magic that awaits.
I can sum up the past decade of my life in just a few words: growth and empowerment to total disempowerment. After a whole boatload of personal sacrifice. But let’s get real here, things change. People disappoint. Leaders fail. Which brings us to the past year. Covid was pretty damn intense. One parent died. One 6-year-old grandson developed multi-system inflammatory syndrome (MIS-C) due to Covid. He’s now 7 and following up with cardiology and renal, but doing ok. For those of us in health care, it was quite an experience. One for the books as they say. And we honor those we lost.
The best way I know how to confront these weighty burdens is to surround myself with strong, accomplished women writers who are speaking to my soul. If you are going through any form of burnout, exhaustion, or disempowerment, I invite you to join the party. I quietly consider these women my new BFFs because I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with them over the past two months, reading their books and listening to their podcasts. I just may show up in the front row of the next book signing or TED talk, who knows? I am living wild and free now, after all. And sadly, it’s been, quite frankly, years since I’ve enjoyed any quiet reading for pure pleasure or inspiration. But that changes now and it’s working, because this midwife was exhausted, and Stella almost has her groove back.
Women spend their lives hitting the proverbial brick wall. In women’s health, we naturally break down women into seasons in their lives; it’s an unwritten card catalog that reminds us what approximate age different testing is due. There are official guidelines from professional organizations of course, and we follow them, but I think you get the point. The patriarchal society we live in often forces us to experience a one-size-fits-all approach with lack of individualized focus. From a public health perspective, we know that good health is preserved by the social determinants of health like socioeconomic status and education. These are determined by the society that we live in. As we live in a patriarchal society, gender bias is institutionalized by the healthcare system. We live in a society where female pain is often misdiagnosed. A society where the conversation about women’s health is often dominated by a woman’s capacity to reproduce, while easily dismissing other aspects of health. This happens most often in medical diagnoses of gynecological conditions, by distrusting our pain receptors and blaming our hormones because of a long history of belittling female pain and blaming it on “hysteria” and other psychological disorders associated with women. Research shows that adherence to treatment differs between men and women, and women are more likely to have an adverse reaction to a drug than men. What’s to blame for this one-size-fits-all approach? Generally speaking, budget limitations, despite the fact that gender-based treatment has dramatic benefits, including economic benefits, in the long term. We haven’t even touched on gender and racial bias in pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period in the United States; that conversation is just getting started and we have quite a long way to go.
In essence, women experience the brick wall in health, life, career, and relationships. Physical, mental, and emotional changes that can really shake us to the core. You see it early on with sports, and missing classroom time for menstrual cramps. As women, some of us go through pregnancy, childbirth, and then recovery from these life-altering experiences. We try to recover quickly because we have to get back to work, our careers are waiting for us. We learn early on that hard work, education, tenacity, and “rising above it all,” is the absolute minimum expectation for us to “make it” in this male-dominated world. And we live in constant survival mode. In women, this chronic stress will eventually lead to adrenal fatigue, hypothyroid issues, and autoimmune diseases. Women are also twice as likely to experience depression than men. There’s no Willy Wonka golden ticket involved, it’s straight-up hard work and sacrifice. When a tower moment hits you, maybe it’s a choice, like walking away from a job you loved (like I did) or maybe you’ve been let go from your position (which is extra harsh!), regardless, it automatically triggers the grieving process. It’s best to be extra gentle on yourself as you are processing all of these changes and emotions. You have entered Vulnerability City and unlike Motel 6, they did not leave the light on for you. Enter Brené Brown.
Now, back to my new BFFs. I’ve chosen to surround myself with some of the likes of Brené Brown, Martha Beck, and Elizabeth Gilbert. You may be especially familiar with Brené, our national vulnerability expert; she had an amazing book a few years back called Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Now, I can go on and on about her genius in this book but what I want to share with you was something she shared on a podcast interview with Elizabeth Gilbert (Big Magic 1:12) about creativity. She believes that to call someone a “creative person,” is laughably redundant. She believes that creativity is the hallmark of our species; we have a sense for it and a curiosity for it. In short, the divine nature of creativity resides within all of us. However, it’s easy to forget this. Fear creeps in, and we stray from our creative selves, and when this happens, we miss out on something magical—the chance to truly feel alive, in flow, and enchanted by life. These writers shared their past experiences about their old ways, describing the pain and misery of tackling their novels and requiring themselves to go into the caves of isolation and suffering to get their books written. Brené comes from an academic background deeply entrenched in “martyrdom.” Academia leans toward a dark, solemn, more rigid energy and she recognized (through Big Magic!) her painful process of writing, when she entered the dark cave and didn’t return until it was over and the book was written. Brené went on to describe a change in her writing that took place while she was working on Rising Strong. She had an epiphany. She said she needed a midwife and she gathered a group of women to help her write the book through a storytelling process, filled with community and love instead of the dark night of the soul. This book outlines a three-step process—the reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution. Brené states, “the rising strong process can lead to deep, tumultuous, groundbreaking, no-turning back transformation, the process may be a series of incremental changes, but when the process becomes practice—a way of engaging with the world—there’s no doubt it ignites revolutionary change.” So this midwife strongly recommends this book, especially if you have a history of trauma or grief.
My newfound BFF is Dr. Shefali, New York Times bestselling author of A Radical Awakening: Turn Pain into Power, Embrace Your Truth, Live Free. Now you know she’s speaking my language. I highly recommend all women get this book. I’m sharing the very poignant preface:
The Time of the Awakened Woman
There comes a time in the life of a woman When she discards her old ways like tossed shoes in the garbage, When she shreds her list of “shoulds” and obligations, And when impossible expectations are burned in an incinerator
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When the approval of others once jewels now turn to pennies in her sock, When the hunt for another is now replaced by a hunt for herself, And when parental tentacles of tradition no longer define her truth
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When her desire to fit in with the crowd dissolves, When her manic compulsion to be perfect vaporizes, And when her obsession to be voted popular eviscerates
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When she simply says “no more,” When facade, artifice, and guile leave her nauseated And when righteousness, dogma, and superiority repulse her
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When she no longer fears conflict but faces it boldly like a lioness, When she guards her authenticity as fearlessly as she guards her babies, And when she drops the role of savior knowing she can only save herself
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When she no longer cowers in the shadows of her unworthiness, When she no longer plays small so others can feel big, And when she swaps the role of victim for the role of cocreator
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When she unabashedly and boldly occupies her ultimate sovereignty, When she finally feels ready to claim her space in the world, And when she redefines compassion as unequivocal self-love
There comes a time in the life of a woman, When she finally releases her childlike dependencies on others, When she dares to rewrite a new mandate of living for herself
One that says:
I release unworthiness and fear
I divorce servility and passivity
I divest inauthenticity and enmeshment
I end the pretense of being someone I am not
And from now on I declare . . .
I will ascend into my highest power
I will embrace my greatest autonomy
I will celebrate my deepest worth
I will embody my fiercest courage
and manifest the most authentic me
The time is now, I am ready, To awaken into my renaissance.
Tsabary, Dr. Shefali. A Radical Awakening (p. xii). HarperOne. 2021.
Now, I’m just getting into this jewel of a book and there may or may not be a Pavlovian event going on here in my living room. I dive into this one with a candle lit, channeling all my love, positivity, and divine feminine passion to all the women of the world, honoring my sisters before me, with me, and those coming into the world. Dr. Shefali even includes a “love note to my sisters before you read this book” and rolls out the equivalent to a warning that this book is about your awakening. It’s an ode and an homage to your authentic self, the self that is waiting to be birthed anew. There are words that may be triggers but they are meant to ignite and evoke an inner revolution. Let’s get our emotional seatbelts on ladies and dive in. We are in this together!
I stumbled upon this sweet quote the other day by @Yung_Pueblo on Instagram:
They asked her, “How do you deal with heartbreak?” She answered,
“Be intentional with your time, use it to heal and use it to see your wholeness. Listen to your needs and truth, use boundaries to start fresh, let go of the tension you have been carrying, and fill yourself with the love you have always wanted. Heartbreak does not need to be a sad ending, let this be an era of remarkable growth.” yung pueblo | rebirth
Experiencing these transformative events can be a very positive and formative process if we do the work. We must do the work so that we, like the beautiful butterfly, emerge with wings to fly. Who knows what we might accomplish next? When you find your life’s purpose, you just know. Just like all the authors I mentioned earlier knew they were going to be writers at an early age. Our pathways may change and become redirected through the process, but we remain the same; we just keep getting better as we gain more experience and learn valuable life lessons.
It’s without question that my greatest joy is my patients. It’s ok to take a pause to rest and refuel, an adult “time-out,” but I’m home creating and manifesting all kinds of great things that I can’t wait to share. I’m “gestating” a women’s health blog and that’s exciting as hell. And a little scary, truth be told. In my work as a nurse midwife, I care for pregnant women, supporting them through labor, helping them navigate the birth process, and celebrating new life with them. It is my honor and greatest gift to share these moments. I also care for women at all ages and stages. And most particularly after our Covid year, women everywhere have been neglecting their own needs like never before. The challenges and obstacles during the pandemic were tremendous and caused so much disruption in our lives. Ladies, we must take care of ourselves.
So please accept my inaugural blog post with a bit of understanding and compassion. I’m heavily into research papers these days while I work on my doctorate. I humbly submit this post to you and I look forward to many evidence-based entries regarding important women’s health topics in the future. I’m completing my integrative medicine fellowship soon and I can’t wait to share all the pearls I have gleaned with that amazing group of professionals. I am a feminist, researcher, creative, certified nurse midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner, wife, mother, daughter, sister, Mimi (grandma), doctoral student, and friend. I am the Midwife Alchemist.
Mary Kay Burke, The Midwife Alchemist, “Someone who transforms things for the better.”